The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's Ranchero."

They both look down at the third man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

The little old man says, "Downtown Dallas".

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

What did one ear say to the other ear? I'll meet you around the block.

"Can ya 'ear' me now?" lol lol lol ha ha ha

Subject: Stairway to Heaven

Hector and Janet were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid
could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now."

Hector asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing,"
Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in heaven."

Hector looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are
the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Hector. "This is heaven. It is all
free for you to enjoy."

Hector looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are
the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he
asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is heaven!"

Hector pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ... "

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Hector glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. We
could have been here 10 years ago!!!!!

Subject: FW: Bad Day


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when this big trouble-making
biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps
it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the
biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't
stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I
can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my
car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the
cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an
end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you

Thanks for putting your jokes here in one place. Easier to find when new jokes are added.

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his butt again!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy, from Oklahoma, stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,
One button at a time........
No one moves..................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps....................
He whispers.................
"Iron this...then get me a beer."

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables, by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Also be nice to your family because they will be the ones choosing the care center for you.

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,who was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat along with the tail over to Walmart.

Why Walmart?

Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!

A sunday school teacher was discussing the 10 commandments with her students.

She just finished talking about "Honor thy mother and father". She then ask if there were any commandments that would pertain to brothers or sisters.

From the back of the class came "Thou shall not kill!"

Hello

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi.

My name is Chucky. I am a Budge Bird. My Dad Nes went for a walk and forgot to sign out so here I am. Just wanted to let you know that Nes ( MY DAD) knows everything. How do I know that? I taught him everything.

Yes, since I came into Nes's life he has learned and learned. Don't want to Bragg but I have turned him into a complete BIRD BRAIN.

Well its time for him to get back from his walk so I better get out of here. Don't want him to know I was bragging on him.

Chucky.

Something to ponder:

Did you ever wonder if forks evolved from spoons?

If the 'spork' is the missing link, those can be found at KFC.