-----------

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes
(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass
snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted
plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a
possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake
was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed
up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the
sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the
living room naked to see what the problem was. She
told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to
look for it. About that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered
him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his
protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his
end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still
in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the
house, so she
called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began
poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone
and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the
cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under
the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lyin g there passed out,
tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head
with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife
bending over him, so she assumed that he had been
bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a
small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and
assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were
about to arrest them all, when the women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and hi s sobbing wife. The little snake again
crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and
as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and
fell through the window into the yard on top of the
family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into
the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the
neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder
when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put
out the
electricity and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the house
fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car, and all was right with
their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked
her husband if he thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh**?"
I still don't know if she was joking.

Italian Logic..

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.

You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, "Times up"?

The Bathtub Test !

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

funny stuff, I think

A joke . . . or is it?


Subject: No nativity this year

There will be no nativity scene in the United State Congress, this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the
United States capitol this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been
able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Texas is the FUN state!!



A list of actual places to travel in Texas ....

Need to be cheered up?

Happy, Texas 79042
Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley , Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
***

Love the Sun?

Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423
***

Want something to eat?

Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
***

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them ALL!

Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
***

Feel like traveling outside the country?

Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian , Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
***

No need to travel to Washington D.C.

Whitehouse , Texas 75791
***

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth , Texas 79031
***

And a city named after our State!

Texas City , Texas 77590
***

Exhausted?

Energy , Texas 76452
***

Cold?

Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas
***

Hot?

Poolville, Texas 76487
Cool, Texas ( Parker County )
***


Like to read about History?

Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas
***

Need Office Supplies?

Staples , Texas 78670

***

Men are from Mars, women are from

Venus , Texas 76084
***

You guessed it... it's on the state line...

Texline , Texas 79087
***

For the kids...

Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560
***

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... : )

Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759

Plainview, Texas 79072

Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
***

And last but not least. The City that doesn't believe that Global warming exixts

Kilgore , Texas 75662
***

Have a Good Day!
***

P.S. Whoops, left out:

Muleshoe
Cut n shoot,
Hoop And Holler,
Ding Dong,



and don't forget......
Farewell , Texas
***

And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is......

KNOTT , TEXAS

***

Well, whata you know????

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins, next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror, written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian". He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son ... what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

" Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time .... PRICELESS !!

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

8. A blonde said, "I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

9. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

10. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Subject: More of Little Johnny !!

Little Johnny's at it again ..... a new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station, where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted p erson. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * *

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big bazooms."

THE HUMAN BODY

You really ought to know this. The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well.

In a small town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. A local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We are the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where y'all catchin' 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that Law Firm."
"Same here..... Hmmmmm...... Well now, how do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus cars and wait fer one of them lawyers to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there ain’t nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase.

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Cripes! Life is so darn boring; we never have
any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the
flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
following by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.
"How did you do?" asked her waiting friend.
"Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.