Some funny quotes........
I hate women because they always know where things are.
by Malcolm de Chazal

Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

There are two ways to rule a women and nobody knows them..

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Women sleep on the right side of the bed because even while sleeping they have to be right!

Good ones !!!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED ~ borrowed from Leah Edmond
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

oh my !!!!!

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a slim body and a fat bank account and try not to get them mixed up like you did last year.

Love,

Chris

The kindergarten kids had graduated to the infant class. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the ****.'

Can't think of any now !!!!

The Dead Horse Theory of Government
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says,

“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course …
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss
liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but
he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought
something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says,
"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told
him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I
sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I
said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing."

Oh my !!!!!

Smarter Cowboy!
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan®
sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Donations
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everone giving, on average? the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"